I start every morning from taking a cocktail of pills. Painkillers, anti-inflammatory, antidepressants… there are some others too. Every time I get to sit down to it, I’m asking myself the same question – “How did I get here?”
I thought, it’s my age. Mentally, I feel young, very young, in my 30s max. 50 is just a number and it’s a good thing to think this way, providing that it happens for good reason, such as positive thinking etc. Which is partially my case, but there is so much to it apart from that, and it’s not all good. But I tell about it later.
I tend to go to Facebook on daily basis. No, I am not addicted, as some could say. My main reason for doing so is to see who’s birthday is on the day and to send my wishes to this person. Yes, I do check posts at the same time and I do post a lot in a short session. Mainly though, I post animal petitions and share interesting posts that I spot within 10 minutes, when I am on FB. I share stuff that I would otherwise discuss with others, if I were with other people around me. Since I speak mostly with my dogs though, I find it quite useful to be able to share my thoughts with others via social media.
As I flick through FB pages, I see great announcements from my acquaintances: “…great trip…”, “…new house…”, “…yet another holidays…”, “…second promotion this year…”… etc. etc. Yes, I know that all this is just a drop in the sea. I know that they all have ups and downs, and that people tend to keep their failures “indoors”. Yet just those small and big announcements that for others usually mean nothing, they get notified and “expire”, to me, they are all like a bucket of cold water on my head. A reminder that I can only read such stories, I cannot write them… I have non…
Not that I didn’t have happy moments at all. I have my kids, I have my dogs… That’s about it. All the rest is just a wish. I never had real holidays. I mean holidays that I (myself) would be enjoying. I’ve been sent to scout camps and other organised summer camps for kids, but all I experienced there was humiliation and grief. Gosh, I hated them. For some reason, my parents seemed to think that I loved those excursions and kept sending me there. I did in fact ask once or twice to be sent to scout camp, but it was only because looking at my parents rowing passionately almost every day. At least, when away, I could hide from it, and even being treated like a collateral damage by all the kids around me was more bearable than the crap that I lived in.
Having passed half way mark in my existence, I should have some bright moments to display like others do. So let’s see… My house – rented, no car, (still) no holidays, divorced, disabled, unsuccessful, depressed… In one word- hopeless. Not because I have no education ( hold degrees), nor am I mentally unstable. The reason for all this is simply my enormous inferiority. Something that is probably hugely invisible to those around me, yet it was and is ruling my life since I can remember. And it is a curse. People who know me for a very long time might describe me as bubbly, adventurous bla bla bla… But not many of them know that all this is just façade. I believe that if I were lucky enough and grew up in happy environment, that would be the real me. I act the way I would love to be. The thing is, that is all I can do – act. In relaxed environment it is perfect, yet when it comes to real life challenges, my bravery is gone and I become an underdog. It’s involuntary impulse that I cannot control. Even if I manage to pull a straight face and play hard – I pay for it with a long term stress episodes and unwinding periods. All because my thoughts, deeply rooted in my mind during my childhood and afterwards.
More to come and you have to excuse my long periods of silence. My health is not what it used to be and sometimes I just can’t get myself to type. I’m glad that my story is of interest to some. I hope it would be an inspiration for parents, children and others who either experience or see the abuse. “Bullying” is a word that is often associated with schools and childhood, but unfortunately it fits into any possible time frame and it is not exclusive to childhood and early years. It is equally harmful to young people and adults. My case is a collection of both and I’ll take you through my past with me.
Comments