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Writer's pictureBea Biechowiak

Contemplation…

I woke up yesterday at 10 am. Sunday, so I didn’t bother much. Late movie on Saturday was enough of the excuse. The usual aches and pains were almost dealt with within 15 minutes long stretching session (in the bed), allowing me to turn around and finally slide to the sitting position. Thank you Yoga for resolving that much. Despite everything, I woke up quite happy and ready for the day. The usual routine from morning till evening. My mood is rarely that positive, so I decided to do something productive. One of the bathrooms really needed scrubbing, so I decided give it a go.

Breakfast: coffee of course, and a pile of pills to get myself mobile. After about an hour, I am ready to roll. A ton of a pain-killing cream on my back, to make my plan at least doable. A bowl of cereals and a moment of relax before I get started.

Round 1: Get the cleaning products to the upstairs bathroom. A bucket, 2 bottles of detergents, a sponge. By the time I reached last step, I couldn’t catch my breath. I set heavily on the toiled lead. Right in front of me was a large mirror, which reminded me what my immobility did to me. The curse that haunted me since my childhood hit me yet again. I am morbidly obese, and this time I almost have no chance to fight it once more. All the motivation that I could employ years ago, now down the toilet. Being forced to spend most of your time sitting down, definitely doesn’t work in my favour.

Round 2: Thank All-Mighty, I have a son, who took care of taking the shower curtains down. Removing all the stuff (shampoos, soaps etc.) took another 30 minutes but I made it. Make it 40 minutes, including resting breaks and recovery from shooting back pain.

Round 3: Ceiling and walls – not bad, a light wipe should do. I couldn’t be more wrong. Expanding rode with wet sponge attached… A swift smudge… and I knew that I messed up big time. The white ceiling was now marked with even whiter spot, right where I was exercising my inventive cleaning tool. What a crap! It didn’t give up though and after a bit longer than a little while, I managed to uncover a perfectly white 3ft x 3ft square. This was where I really had enough. I decided to leave it out for the future reference. Knackered and pissed off, skipped the walls too, and prepared for the next round.

Sitting in front of that large mirror, and trying to catch my breath, I realised that the older I get, the worse any excessive weight makes me look. I am aware of aging and it doesn’t really scare me, as I believe in growing older with some class and dignity is always possible. What makes me mad is the fact that nature makes it so easy for some, and so bloody difficult for others. Not fair. Than more that the ease of it seems to be dictated more by wealth and economical ability than by the love for Mother Nature… Sad but true. Well, I have plenty of the latter, but not so much of the capital. 

Round 4: I got a message earlier – my son told me that he has already bleached the toilet, so I don’t have to worry a lot about it. Happy, I opened the toilet lead, just to discover that yes, he did. The bleach was poured into the toilet bowl… well, just that lol. No scrubbing, or attention to the plastic bits. But at least I didn’t have to ask hahahaha. I took care of that and noticed that it went painlessly. Not so well though with the bath tub, so just  wiped it really. So the spring cleaning became just one more “quick do”. Devastated…

Why am I telling you all this? It’s just one day of many, very much the same. A lot of people, mainly women, fight obesity issues throughout their lives. On top of it, with age come aches and pains – the beauty of transformation into a senior. Those who were proud and tough in their young years, get over it and don’t bother much. People like me, will always fight “to belong”, even if we know that we do, we just cannot accept it within ourselves. It is something that cannot be fixed with counselling and courageous talk, which might make life a bit easier, but there is no fix. Your identity is shaped at the very start of your existence. It’s what you are and what others want you to be combined together and enhanced by means (within your closest and outer environments) used to get you there. There is no stereotype to draw from. The outer environment shows you what is available and your inner circle poses restrictions and/or shape your ability to reach what you can. Despite all that, there is an inner YOU that helps you decide how to react to all these happenings, and that is coded genetically.

If you were bullied because of your looks as a child, obesity becomes not only a physical pain. It hurts emotionally all the time. Throughout your life, it becomes a necessity to “look well”, whatever it means. And if you cannot maintain it (which happens very often), it becomes a burden, then a problem, than a serious issue, and in some cases – another nail to your coffin (literally). I was lucky to survive and be as I am today. The older I get, the more difficult it becomes though. As I am becoming wiser, the time becomes very precious and I wonder… will I ever be able to do something what will make me really happy?

They say, you shouldn’t live in your past. And it’s fine, and truly doable, so long you are young and busy. Comes the time, when you passed PNR and then the memories of the past come flooding. Then you realise that you have more bad memories than the good ones and it’s overwhelming. And you have to be really strong to keep going, and you can be. Then there comes a moment, when you think that there are no more positive things that you can think about. And when it happens, choose that one thing that might switch your mind other direction. Start planning something totally eccentric, something that nobody would think you have guts to do. Something that you always wanted to do but the thought of what “people will say” prevented you from doing it. Just remember that at the autumn of your life, the best fruits are born. They grow at the very top of the tree, and no one but you can reach it.

Many of you will say that the bigger barrier are finances. True, and at some age you just have no hope to become a millionaire. But hey, you are going for something that nobody have ever seen before and you are going to make it public. And everyone would like to see (and believe) that you can pull the biggest stunt of your life. Make them pay. Let them support you through the crown funding for example. Despite some people paying just to see you fall, huge crowd will actually donate to see you feeling better. In return you could provide them with detailed description of your journey, and/or even invite them to join you. The possibilities are endless. And that’s the very point of doing it. You give and you get. The oldest rule of trade.

There is one thing that you have to remember. No matter how much you want to leave the past behind, it will be coming back. Not all the time. Sometimes it will be a scene on the street, sometimes a program on TV, even a piece of music that you heard all those years ago. It will come like a flood and it will try to take you with it. The trick is, not to let it win. It’s a hard task and extremely difficult to achieve.

I am an adult and have been for a long time. In my mind, I know that people I knew changed. Those, who bothered me all those years ago probably wouldn’t even remember doing it back then. But it will always be in my head. It’s always been, it will always be. Most of those ex-bullies have no idea that they have ruined my life. Some of them know, but they chose to ignore it. They probably think that if they wiped it from their memories, so did I. Some of them still find it funny, when they meet with old mates and remember old times. Fortunately, they are all far away and I don’t have to worry about getting ready for a fake smile. I hugely missed on major events of life though, and about that, in the next chapter.

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