Stepping into the adolescence was a big step for me. Everything changed, not necessary for the better. Silly name calling ended. I didn’t notice, but as I was growing a bit older my body changed shape and I wasn’t so chunky anymore. I wasn’t a great looker, but I had a decent figure. Only outside though; inside, I was already broken.
Just before I got into teenage period of my life, the home situation was really bad. My parents were drinking and rowing on regular basis and I just couldn’t stand it all. I started having troubles in the school and once my parents knew about it, I got punished (yes, physically as well) for being lazy and “doing nothing, while being cared for”. Obviously, home situation was not to blame, because “every family has a dark side and mine one is not different than others”. When I mentioned how I feel about them shouting and beating each other, I was told that I am overreacting and making everything bigger than it is. Also, I was told that blaming them for my failures was an insult. I stopped talking to them about it. I stopped talking to them at all, not that we spoke a lot before that. Anyway, the situation became unbearable enough for me to run away. I was gone for almost a month.
Things were not better afterwards. I was branded an “ungrateful child” and “victim of my own stupidity”. Thanks to my mom, I became a laughing stock of everybody around me. It seemed that it was all true – dysfunctional family is something normal and I am just stupid to complain about it. I was devastated. I didn’t want to live anymore. I was so tired of playing the role of a happy child outside, while inside my soul seemed to expire by the day.
Going away in summer (scout camp or activity camp) was somehow better solution than sitting home. However, it was a source of severe humiliation. Not only because of me being fat, unfit and extremely naive, but because of my lack of preparation to every day life that was supposed to be learned at home. Some things like personal hygiene and becoming a mature woman were not discussed at home and it became a huge shock, when things turned ugly wile away from home. This is a topic for another post though, so let’s just stick to general childhood for now.
Becoming a teen was scary. The interests changed, the girls and boys around me were more interested in each other and I was obviously curios as well. The thing was, I was always told that a hopeless creature like me can only imagine things like a relationship, and I am not a good material for anyone to be taken seriously. Judging from my pass experience, I knew that it was very true. Who is going to look at something like me?
I mentioned that by this time, I was not bad looking girl, but my mind were already locked in sub-reality. Whenever I looked in the mirror, I saw a fat, ugly and stupid girl. I hated myself to the core. Every glimpse of me in the mirror and I was in tears. No makeup, no garment could make me prettier. I tended to wear baggy clothing anyway, just to hide “flabs”, only visible to me. While others were showing off the latest fashion, I was scared to wear anything that would highlight my shape.
But that was just part of the problem…
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